On a lighter note

I get job opening updates from snagajob.com to help the foster children I have and the youth I work with.

There has been a frequent one the past several months. I can't help but think that if they changed their job title they might get a better application pool.

What do you think?

Kohl's

POS Associate (Cashier)

634 W. Pacific Ave

Now I know that POS (in this case) is the acronym for Point Of Sale, but I still laugh out loud every time I read it and question if others have this same knowledge.

Do You Record This Just to Torture Kids?

I had a foster kid on respite a couple of weeks ago. This means that another mom needed a break, so I took the boy for a week so his foster family could go on vacay. He lied, brought stolen property into my home, lied, swore (A LOT), lied, tried to manipulate (tried hard, but no success with me), lied......well you get the picture.

I record the show World Strictest Parents. I like this show. So do my kids. Every kid that is in my home while we are watching it has stated that we "should do this show." Yes we should.

From site

This particular boy asked me, "Do you record this show and make the kids watch it just to torture them?"

My reply was and is, "Nope. That's a good idea, though. I actually like to watch it, because in my line of work I don't see parents being parents much. When I watch this show I get to see that there are other parents willing to be parents."  He was speechless.

This post reminded me of that convo last week. Kids need parents. They have friends and peers. They NEED parents.

Anyone else with me?

Descriptions, descriptions

Sassy is learning to drive. She gets her permit in a little under a month.

Oldest offered Sassy the option of driving his vehicle.

Her response was, "I don't know how to drive one of those 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, R, thingys."

Uhm, a standard transmission is what she was describing.



Tree Monkey found a small bottle on Hubs nights stand.

She said to me, "I think daddy  might want this."

I asked what it was.

She replied, "It's the head oil that makes you feels good when daddy uses it." 

Consecrated oil is what she was describing.

Separation of the Breakfast Foods

While in Cali we learned something new.

Check out this sign we found at the Food 4 Less

I had no idea!

We share at our home, but that is apparently a breakfast faux pas.

Who knew?

Where I finally remember a funny

Let me set the stage:
Sassy, Tree Monkey, and I are shopping for a few things at WalMart. I am looking at tomatoes.
Tree Monkey: Can we get some chicken nuts?
Me: No. Chicken's don't have nuts.

A few minutes later I am picking up a mixture of sunflower seed kernals, cashews and some other yummy stuff.

Sassy: There's such thing as sunflower nuts, but not chicken nuts.

What have we been teaching these girls? I'm going to have a talk with their brothers and father. ;)

Sisters

 

Not that the song depicts who we are, but it does show sisterly love.


On March 5th my baby bro drove my sister and I up to the TLC laser eye center.

During our eye exams my sister went first. She was sitting in "the chair" and I was watching. As she looked in the mirror and read the letters I read them on the wall behind her. When my turn came I read the letters right to left - they were left to right when I was sitting and waiting :P - Dr Barnes asked me if I was Jewish.  It didn't even register that I had read them backwards until he said that.

Bahahahahaha!

Then as I was looking through the spectacles that they check your vision with. The one where you say if 1 is better than 2 or 3 is better than 4. I changed my mind on one and Dr Barnes told me to make up my damn mind. He totally wasn't being rude. It was hilarious.

Later he stared to walk into the room we were in and Shirene redirected him to the next room. I told him to make up his damn mind and we had more laughter.


The staff there is a lot of fun.

On March 12, the day of surgery, we got all checked in and my sister paid. They brought us the paid in full bill and it says "Both Eyes collected on behalf of Dr ____"

When the lady who checked us in and took my sisters money walked by I said, "I have a concern. You didn't tell us you were collecting our eyes and we would really like to keep them."

Sister

Me

Big belly laughs ensued. Jokes about eyes stored in jars and more teasing took place over the next half hour.  Like when we went back to get prepped and have our eyes wiped with iodine, they said they were taking us back to collect our eyes.

I have had many surgeries and at none of the previous ones have I laughed so hard, so much.

I watched my sisters right eye get done and then I was prepped and taken to the surgical suite. It's cool beans ya'll. They talk you through the whole thing and then you walk about about 15-20 minutes later and you CAN SEE!!!!

Afterward we put on our snazzy new sun glasses and our baby bro (who is really 6'3", buff and available) drives us home.

 The driver- baby bro

He did this 2 years ago with TLC and I love them, highly recommend them, and would drive someone up just so I could hang out with their staff.

On Saturday we had to go up for our one day check. I asked Dr Barnes if he preferred me to read the letters left to right. He laughed and said, "You Mormon Jews, what am I gonna do with you." I laughed. 

While you may not really be able to see a difference between these eyes, but I can SEE a difference.

 Forget that I have glasses on in the first one. :P








Thanks sister. It's been a fun journey and I have you to thank. Love ya!

Hot and too hot

Sassy is always commenting about how hot she is. Usually in a facetious manner.

Tonight Tree Monkey was loving on Squirt, Sassy's dog.

Sassy said, "Move away. I'm hot and you're increasing my hotness."

I replied, "Usually you are bragging about your hotness and now your complaining about her increasing it?"

Made her think! 

Hubs laughed.

Roughly 15 ish Years Ago

I've been reading some posts about comments strangers make to mom's with kids. During one such reading a memory came back and had me laughing out loud. Literally.

When Monkey Wrench was almost 3 years old we were walking through Smith's produce section. I didn't have a lot to get so I was carrying a basket and he was walking along side me. He was running his hands along the table edges that had apples and bananas on them. Just going round and round, but staying close to mom. Such a well behaved kid. I was carefully choosing non bruised apples with no soft spots. (I am the produce man's worst nightmare.)

All of a sudden he clings to my leg and a mean looking lady tells me that he touched her butt! Yells it would be a more accurate description. It seems that she was choosing her bananas and was in the way of his running his hand along the edges so he just drug his hand across her derriere.

She was mortified. She had just been violated by a TWO-YEAR OLD!!!

So when she told me my very sympathetic reply was I'm sorry. She then informed me that I needed to keep him in  a cart. My very unsympathetic reply was "If you're offended by a 2-year old touching your butt shop in the middle of the night."

If that were to happen to today I"d likely respond with something along the lines of "yeah. He grabs my boobs, so it's all good."

I miss the days of little ones, but am so grateful that my kids are now self sufficient enough that I can sleep at night and not have to wipe their behinds.

Share your stranger than life stories. I"d love to read them, too.

Fall Fancy

Jaguar talks really fast when he names his video games off. We were having a convo this past summer, no it's not the only one we had smarty pants, he was describing something that was totally foreign to me. Frog engaged in the convo, too. That was a good thing, because I was totally clueless as to what Fall Fancy was.

Now I'm no video game connoisseur, but I have heard of many of them and this seemed to be a popular one. So I finally asked, "What is Fall Fancy?" Frog told me he was saying Final Fantasy. She only picked up on what he was saying because she had played it herself.

He still says it so fast that it comes out "Fall Fancy" and we affectionately call his game that when he is playing it or when we are talking about getting a different version.

Bahahahahahaha!!! I am still laughing about it. Might be hip on the drug stuff, but not the video game stuff. I can't be good at everything ;)

Gold Medalists

This weekend we did room changes. The room that Monkey Wrench and Oldest used to share was recently vacated by the human occupants. Oldest moved out when he married Frog, of course, and last weekend Monkey Wrench moved out so he can do what he wants, when he wants. Pretty normal 18 year old behavior ;)

L'il Red has some behaviors that the hubs and I need to monitor more closely. So we moved Lazy Lion and Jaguar over to the room recently vacated by my older boys.

We moved Tree Monkey down to the former room of Lazy Lion, Jaguar, and L'il Red. Then we moved :'il Red upstairs to the smaller room across from ours.

I am beat, bushed, exhausted, and quite ornery. I get that way when I have to clean my children's rooms. You see, my children are masters of stuffing CRAP under their beds (except for Sassy- she does not do this).

In fact, if stuffing crap under the bed were an an Olympic event I would have 3 gold medalists in my home, or I HAD 3, now I just have on.!

I found shirts, socks of all shapes and sizes, papers from massage therapy school, biology, welding, auto shop, a pocket knife, a compass (which can't help anyone find their way while buried under the bed), a dime, pants, a framed Eagle Scout award, pencils, pens, notebooks, reading material, bins that were purchased to store special keepsakes, but stuffed full of candy wrappers and others stuff that was clearly not keepsake worthy. More than half the stuff that I found should have been thrown away a long time ago.

So, what are your children gold medalists in?

Don't Think That It's Strictly For The Boys . . . .

. . . . . convos like these, that is.

Tree monkey is loaded with gas today. (Sunday) After we gave her some razzing she asked, "Why do I fart so much?"

I laughed instead of answering her.

About 10 minutes later she passes wind (farts) again! She said, "That was a gas bubble."

This time as I laughed I also said, "also known as a fart!"

Out of the Mouths of Children

I have older children. Mostly teens. They don't say funny/cute stuff like the little kids do.
Indulge me a bit as I share the cuteness that often keeps this kid alive.
I jest. He is a cutie. He just has Reactive Attachment and his behaviors are often not cute so I delight in the cuteness that is normal for kiddos of his developmental stage.

Wiggly Worm singing Bon Jovi's You Give Love A Bad Name: "Shockin' the heart and you're to blame."

As we are driving to Raging Waters yesterday Lazy Lion asked if we were going through the spaghetti bowl. (A group of interstate changing ramps)

Wiggly Worm asked: "What's the skabetti bowl?"

I've heard of pasketti, and basketti, but my new fave is skabetti. Mmmmm, I'm hungry now!

Sayings that crack me up

WW: "Hey mommy, I gotta go poop, so I might take a little while"


When hubs talks about bugers and worms

WW: "Uhm, daddy can you stop talking about that. It's freaking me out. And it's kind of gross, too."

Heard at My home

Jaguar: WHEW!!! Something stinks real bad.

Tree Monkey: I just farted and you walked into it.



Wiggle Worm: (running to the bathroom) I have to poop!

Hubs: I'll call the media.

Shoe Shopping

I love shopping for shoes. It can be so difficult to find just the right shoe for the right occassion. Every now and again we could all use a little help. I did some research to do just that my friends.

Help.

Go ahead and shop away. There is bound to be something for everyone.

Ever have one of those long days. You get up early to go to a busy and stressful day at work only to come home to find out you've got to attend a dinner party and then parent teacher conferences? Your feet just can't go anymore. Slip this sexy sandal on and you will have instance bounce and boing to get you through that never ending day/night.





Shopping for cars can be so mundane or exciting depending how you feel about it. Wearing this sleek shoe will have you thinking about speed in every car you look at.











Of course father's day is past for this year, but fishing is a year round sport. Make sure your guy has the latest fashion while he's out kickin' it on the river bank with his buddies.








A classic shoe that is perfect way to tie in the shoes to the decor. Worn by bridesmaids so they can be admired.

Oooooh! Aaaaaah!














Consider this style for your next all night rave party. The black light effect will impress everyone around.













Not really sure what you would wear these for, so I'll let you all come up with something.
















The over sized shirt with leggings reminiscent of the 80's now have the shoes to match.













A favorite of mine when I'm taking the kids to the zoo. Of course, the giraffe house stairs are little painful, but hey at least the shoe is appropriate.







Because some days cowboy boots are just not appropriate for working in the pasture.








And for those winter months out in the pasture.











Would you love to take an afternoon and cobb squat on the grass enjoying a delectible pastry, but just don't have the time? Slip these comfy flip flops on and enjoy the feel all while sitting at your desk, doing whatever it is you do at your desk. Don't forget the donuts!










A little impromptu number to make sure your feet feel like you're walking on nails. You know, a little something for when you feet don't hurt bad enough.















The perfect footwear for acting out that family home evening lesson about the Nephites.







Going to a bird show? Show your spirit with this lovely number. Don't get pooped on!












The perfect shoes for shopping at Ikea! 'Nuff said.
















While watching an old Abbott and Costello movie the actress talks about wearing her favorite mules. Today's fashions don't accommodate mules, but these lovely rat slippers will keep your feetsies warm in your New York apartment.







Just can't seem to find the perfect foot wear for your 4th of July outfit? This festive book has all the colors needed to look patriotic and the top will match the top of your blouse, too.
















Are you a cop's wife? Having difficulty finding shoes that don't look like last season's. These sporty little numbers feature a revolver heel with metallic looking leather. Sure to be a convo starter and add flair to your little black dress.







What to show off that new pedi? These shoes will allow you to show off that fabulous nail polish (which themodel isn't wearing) and still give you you that sexy strut.









A Retro 70's style shoes to match the tables and chairs that are coming back into style.








Perfect for the architect show where new plans are shown off.


















Mrs Terminator wore these for a night on the town. They were stunning with her off-the-shoulder chain link dress.








This lovely little number will help you reduce the need to find matching shoes and pants. The uni-pantoes are already coordinated.







The shoe for every need. You can zip off or on the appropriate height for many occasions.

Ideal for teens.







You will need to order through our suppliers. This is just a smidgen of our catalog and the many different styles of shoes to fit every occasion in your life.

Not Quite Right

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . but pretty darn funny.



Convo in the car with Wiggly Worm, who has a bit of difficulty speaking clearly.
(inside info: he comes from a long history of abuse and talks about killing people who break in and try to hurt him. I know. It's super sad.)

WW: Guess what, chicken butt?

Me: Wiggly Worm that isn't appropriate. We are going to the park where smaller children will be and their mommies won't want their kids to hear and learn that phrase.

WW: Or what I heard anyway- I turned into a cinema killer.

Me: You turned into a Cinema Killer?

Much laughter from Sassy.

WW: again what I heard - I turned into a serial killer.

Sassy through much laughter: He said that he already told Austin and Makayla!

Me- now laughing my behind off : I need to clean out my ears!
to WW: What did you tell Austin and Makayla?

WW: The chicken butt joke.

Ever have one of these days?

**Thanks to Heffalump for getting me the original with out swear words. Yay!!!!**

clickety for easier reading

Ever wonder what a day at work looks like for me?

WARNING!!! POST CONTAINS SARCASM. . . please don't interpret this as me being calloused. I really do see the cry for help. I just need some humor for coping skills some days.

In my job I file petitions of ungovernability that bring kids under court jurisdiction to get treatment. It is the least invasive way to help children and allows them to stay in their home with their families. Most kids have many delinquent behaviors that are causing them and their families much trouble. All of my cases come to me through a multi agency staffing. We call this MAS. I attend MAS every Tuesday and I'm not even Catholic ha ha ha ha. Sometimes I crack myself up.

(This is all the background you get. Sorry)

These sayings posted here were in my head may or may not have actually come out of my mouth.

I show up for court and the kid comes in with his parents. I start to introduce myself and he informs me up front that he doesn't have a problem and doesn't need or want my help.

Me: Well alrighty then, Ill just let the judge know that I made a mistake and we'll see if he will dismiss the petition. Appreciate your honesty.

Kid: I want an attorney. Can I have an attorney?

Me: Yes. You have the right to an attorney and if your parents qualify you may qualify for a public defender. Are you planning to deny the accusations that I have listed here?

Kid: What are they?

Me: Running away, threatening your dad and then attacking him, holding a knife to your own throat, overdosing on your psychotropic meds and then lying about it, hostility to authority figures, and on and on.

Kid: No, but I want an attorney because I think the punishment should fit the crime and coming into your porgram is unfair and over the top.

Me: Entering treatment where you get groups to teach you agression replacement tactics and get individual and family therapy is to strict for threatening and attacking people?

Kid: Yes. No one is going to control me, but me.

Me: That is true and you've done a fine job of that yourself. I agree with you. The punishment should fit the crime. I will let the judge know that you want that and I will let him decide what is fair.

Kid: My parents abuse me by making me take medication for bipolar disorder.

Me: You think that might be to keep them safe and to keep you from beating up on your brother and sister?

Kid: No. I want to be emancipated.

Me: Can you take care of yourself?

Kid: Yes. I have two condos in Hawaii and 7 kids. (He's 15)

Me: I see. I think your parents have you on the wrong medication.

Kid: I told you. I don't need medication.

Me: You need a medication for delusions and hallucinations.

He shut up.

Mom and dad snickered.

He told his mom to go eff herself. She didn't know what to say. My reply was, "Well, I'm not really into masturbation, although I realize that some people are. I just don't like the whole thing of have sex with yourself." Mom and dad laughed and took notes. Kid did not find any humor in my words.

Come on. give a little. That was funny, kid.

He was ordered into the pr0gram and after court I orient them to the program.

Me: Do I have a commitment from you that you will follow through with the requirements?

Kid: I don't have a choice.

Me: You have all the choice. You simply do not get to choose your consequences.

Kid: You choose the consequences by the choice you make.

Me: You and I are going to get a long just fine.

Kid: No we aren't.

Me: Ok. We won't.

I begin to go over the specifics of the program.

Kid: I am not going to do that.

Me: Ok. You don't have to.

Kid: You won't make me?

Me: Nope. I will file and order to show cause though and you can tell your judge why you didn't follow his orders.

Kid: Whatever. I don't care.

(Kid is holding his head in hands and crying.)

The same kid that glared at me before court wouldn't look at the judge and then wouldn't look at me following court because I was right.

Gotta admit- from his point of view that really does suck.

And after court-

**Today while Monkey Wrench was supposed to be watching Wiggly Worm he took a work bench table apart. Wiggly Worm did that. He got into Monkey Wrench's tools to find the right tools for the job.

Monkey Wrench is all bent out of shape. I am laughing my butt off. Not just because of this post, but because Monkey Wrench gets in to hubs tools all the time. He rarely puts them back. He loses them. Hubs finally locked them up - about time, too.

He insisted he was watching Wiggly Worm.

Really? At some point you weren't because he took the table/work bench apart. That takes some time.

Monkey Wrench had him put it back together. Hubs will let him take it apart again because it's been out in the weather and is not very stable now. Monkey Wrench is not thrilled that we find humor in the fact that Wiggly Worm took a table apart and that frustrated him. Why son? because he didn't play in the dirt like you wanted him to? Because he is just like you were at age 4-14? Because he got into YOUR tools? Or is it because you got busted not watching the little dude like you were asked to and now you look bad?

Can't blame it on the little dude.

Anyone else see the humor and irony in this?

***(Note: Wiggly Worm is almost 8 (in August), but he was badly neglected in his first 4 1/2 years and is the size and development of a 4 year old.)

Bad Moments make for Good Blog Fodder

Sunday Tree Monkey did not like something I said. She wanted to do something and I said no. I said no because on Sunday my job is to be the fun sucker. Really I just needed a quiet day and she wanted to argue with her sister over something silly.

Anyway I walked by her room later, like a few minutes later, and saw this:



I stood outside her door and whined, in my best whiny voice, "I don't know how to konk!"

She got madder at first then came out and we laughed about it. We still laugh about it and it's still on her door.

Monday evening hubs came into the living room and announced, "I konked on the door, but no one answered."

We talked about how we all misspell words when we write while experiencing passionate emotions.

If you come by my house be sure to konk on our door. I still don't know how to do it, maybe you do?

Sometimes Emails are Worth Sharing

Ever have those moments where you just want to hide?

I think as mom's we all have those moments where there is just no place to hide.

I got this email from a good friend and couldn't help but give you all a good laugh.

3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall.

My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we are in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There have been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco.

Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:

''Mommy, are you gonna go potty?
Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy?
Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now?
Mommy, what are you doing?
Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?''

I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity.

Cade continued:
''Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you?
Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy!
Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty?
Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy!
Mommy! I'm trying to see In dere.
Oh! I see dem.
Dat is a very good girl, Mommy.
You are gonna get some candy!''

I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming new born when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting.

Trying to divert him, I said, ''Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some!''

''No, I'm trying to see doze stinkies"
"Oh! Mommy!'' He started to gag at this point..
''Uh - oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up.
Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!!
Dat is so gross!!''

As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall.. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK. There are four other toilets.. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.

''Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies!

He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door.

''Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy?
You wooking under da door?
What were you wooking at? Mommy?
You wooking at the wady's feet?''

More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.

''Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy.''

He started pounding on the door.

''Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!''

I saw that my wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud. My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?

But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.

(Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three She lives with her family in Grand Rapids , Michigan , where she no longer uses public restrooms)